L.B.L. (Part One)

To Whom It May Concern

Dad, I know we have never met, but ma says I am just like you. I know I look like you because I look nothing like her. Sometimes, when she thinks I am not paying attention, she looks at me and cries. Sometimes when she is mad at me she calls me a weird name. I think its yours, but I never ask. There are even time when she she says she cant even stand to look at me. It doesn't matter to me, she just cant keep it together sometimes.

Its been pretty hard for me and ma. Growing up she always had to work. She struggled trying to pay all of the bills and put food on the table while trying to raise me. I know ma would be better off if i didn't exist. I know its not my fault I'm here, but it doesn't make it any easier. I had a bunch of different babysitters growing up. It got kinda hard to keep track of them all. Its weird when it feel like every day someone different is trying to tell you what to do. Seems like out of everyone around me, I saw ma the least. By the time she got home she was to tired for me. She would get upset that when she did try to talk to me I never listened. She didn't understand, I was always taught never to talk to strangers. Most of the time that what she felt like to me, I never really got a chance to know her.

By the time I was old enough to take care of myself I started to get resentful. I never though it was fair that all my friends got to do so much stuff. I had better grades then all of them but they still got to go places, and play outside whenever they wanted. Since she were never home, and felt I was to old to still need babysitters, I was home alone a lot. She didn't think it was safe enough for me to be outside by myself so I always had to come straight home from school and just watch tv. Ma also never took the time to get to know our neighbors or my friends parents, so she didn't trust them enough to let me play with them if she wasn't around. It seemed like I was getting in trouble because she didn't have time for me. How was that fair? It wasn't my fault she was always tired, but i was paying for it.

I guess thats why I started to struggle in school. I just stopped caring. The better I acted the less attention I received. It seemed like the only time anybody cared was when I was messing up. I remember at first my teachers wondered what was wrong with me. They would call ma and she would sit me down and have these long talk to me. I miss those talks, it was the only way I really know she cared about me. It was the only time she really made time for me. I guess she stopped caring though. Everyone did. The teachers stopped calling because they figured I was a lost cause. Something about i was never going to be anything anyway, so what did it matter. I did even worse, but that didn't help either. Ma stopped talking to me, and just started yelling. She wouldn't let me play outside or hang out with my friends, but it wasn't like I had the chance to do that stuff anyway so I wasn't missing anything.

I remember one summer though, it was really rough. I started getting taller and things got a little weird. My ma said if I was a girl she would have taken me out to dinner or some nonsense, but she didn't know how to really handle what was going on with me. To try and get a little closer she would take me shopping with her and to the movies. Its like she though I was gay or something. I wanted to go to the ball game or the car show, but she said that stuff was boring. And she always wanted to watch these boring movies that either ended in kissing or crying. I swear, ma was lame.

Well, I guess she thought it was a good idea to get a man in my life. I could tell the guys didn't really care though. When she was looking they would all be cool, but when she wasn't home they wouldn't pay me any attention. It was ma that needed them more than I did. The more she tried to push them on me, the less I saw her. I got to play outside more at least. She'd always tell me to go play so she could have some private time with her new friends. It was cool with me until ma started acting up. I just know she would always get really clumsy and have lost of accidents around the house. I'd come home and hear her crying about tripping and falling. I remember one time she ran into the doorknob and got a black eye. How dumb do you have to be to run into a doorknob. I never really liked the guys she dated but every time she had an accident they would bring her flowers and candy and she'd forgive them. I guess they were cool then, because anytime I hurt myself I got yelled at for not paying attention. They must have really loved her to give her stuff for making mistakes. It would all be good until she'd eventually kick them out saying they ain't no good. I used to hate her for that. If she can't keep a man it must be her fault, it can't be everyone elses. I see even you couldn't stand her day. I'm the only guy that can deal with her, and thats because I have to.

When we started going to church I guess I got a little bit better at first. The old ladies would give me candy when I would sing along with the choir and carry their bags. I got tired of the deacons always just bothering me though. Anytime I would talk or fall asleep they would get mad and yell at me. Sometimes the ladies would tell them to ease of, but they would always just say I was bad. If they cared so much then where were they when ma asked for help. I had to quit football and basketball because no one would give me a ride to my games or practices, but they were always to punish me when I was doing something wrong. Why should I listen to anything they had to say if it was always just going to be something bad anyway.

I don't know Dad. Its just getting so hard now. I am in high school now. I had a few problems with some of my classmates. I got into a few fights. I told ma about it and she tried to teach me how to fight. Then I got suspended for kicking someone between the legs. The principal said I could do permanent damage and be charged with assault. Whatever, dude shouldn't have been messing with me. I didn't have many friends after that though. Its cool, I didn't have nobody there for me growing up, and I don't need anyone now. I want to get a job and get out of here. I figure if I just graduate high school and get a job and a little bread I wont have to ever bother with ma anymore. I know I would just be better off without her. Just like she can't keep a man, when I become one I will be out of here too.

Dad, I don't know who you are or where you went, but I wish you had taken me with you. I understand why you left me with her, I wouldn't want to wait around 9 months so that you can take your son with you. If I could leave I wouldn't have stuck around 9 weeks. Well, I am fifteen now, so if you ever get this letter you will know where to find me. One thing they did always say in church was that God answers prays, so i pray that somehow this letter finds you



Sincerely,
Little Boy Lost

(Part II coming soon)