nosliW nahtanoJ dlanoD

A lot of things have been going on. Its hard when you look at yourself in the mirror and realize what it is you see. It took me some time to understand that when I looked in the mirror, I wasn't really seeing my self.......only a reflection. Every time I looked in the mirror I was seeing nosliW nahtanoJ dlanoD. I was seeing myself, but only the surface, and backward. That's the thing about mirrors, they only reflect what you choose to show, and in reverse. To really understand who I am, and what others see, is to step away from that the mirror. It was surprising what I found out.....

-Selfish: devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others

Its hard when you realize that this is you most dominant trait. So often the things that I do are solely for self preservation or self promotion. I do a lot of nice things, and expect recognition and praise for each of these things. Its rare that I do something solely because I care for someone else. That's not to say that I never do nice things without expecting something in return, its just VERY rare. the sad thing is that I don't even realize I am doing it until I don't get that praise or recognition. I don't realize it until a situation arises when I expect a person to show me the same favor.... and it never comes. It isn't until recently that i have seen how when I do things for people I hold it over their heads, and at the first opportunity I expect repayment.

-Prideful: a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

At times I can be a bit of a.....jerk. I have been called by many unaproachable. I won't even try to rationalize this, its something I battle with constantly.

-Demanding: requiring or claiming more than is generally felt by others to be due; calling for intensive effort or attention

I ask for A LOT. I unfairly want to be put first in all things. I rationalize this by claiming that I never ask for more than I am willing to give, but this isn't always true. I have no problems making time for or adjusting m schedule for the people I care about.... but its easy for me. Simply put, I don't do much. Therefore making time is easy for me. It is unfair for me to ask the same of other people whose lives are more involved than mine.

-Inconsiderate: without due regard for the rights or feelings of others; acting without consideration; thoughtless; heedless

I speak and state how I feel without any regard for the thoughts and feelings of others. Its not that I am unaware how people will react to what I am going to say, I just don't care. Anywhere and at anytime if I am upset have no problem with bringing someone down with me. Misery loves company, and if you are the cause of my misery then i make sure you know it.

-Unforgiving: not allowing for mistakes, carelessness, or weakness

I have a hard time forgiving people, and an impossible time forgetting. It may seem as if I let things go, but anytime a person angers me I tend to bring up every single time they have ever upset me or done something against me in the past. This isn't right, or fair, and I know it. Yet and still, I continue to do so.

-Judgemental: inclined to make judgments, especially moral or personal ones

I criticize people. I criticize everyone. I often look down on others and see the negative things in an individual first, and hold those things against them.

No one is perfect. We all have our flaws. The thing is, can we see those flaws, own up to them, and move forward, or do we remain ignorant and look no deeper than the reflection we see in the glass? The things I have just stated are all a part of who I am. its hard to admit, but the good and the bad are all what make me......me. There are only two things i can do to correct these deficiencies.

Pray. I can not change who I am. At least not by myself. Only the one that created me can do that. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for all of my sins. The things I do knowingly, unknowingly, evil I commit through my flesh..... and also those I commit with my mind. The ill will I show towards people, the anger and perverse thoughts, are all sin. I can't help the fact that I get mad. I can't stop myself from scrutinizing everyone and everything. I can, though, ask the Lord to remove the animosity, anger, and deeply laden insecurities I hold within my heart. I can ask that the Lord help me to become the man I was created to be. A man that can follow HIS will, and not one that is conformed to this world.

Apologize. I'm sorry to everyone who I have hurt and mistreated. You have all deserved better. Its unfortunate that I just recently started caring about how my reactions have affected others. It hurts when you have wronged someone, that you care about, and you KNOW its your fault.

To you especially, I'm sorry, I'm trying, and I'm here whenever you're ready.

L.B.L. (Part Two)

Dear Baby Daddy

I know we haven’t spoken in a while. Don’t worry, I am not asking you for money or to come back to me. This isn’t about me at all, this is about you. For the rest of my life I have to think about you. It’s been over sixteen years since we were together but I have to look at your face every day. Your ways, your mannerisms, your attitude, I have had to live with a little you for a long time now. He doesn’t even know you, but he’s just like you. Sometimes I even call him by your cursed name.

It’s been hard trying to raise OUR son by myself. I have done my best but I know he deserves better. I always worked hard trying to make sure we always had nice things and a roof over our heads. I didn’t want to live of the government and embarrass him by having to purchase everything with food stamps so I always worked overtime and put in late hours. You know we aren’t very close to our family so I had to trust a lot of babysitters with him. I used to hate the way he would look at me when I got home. His eyes were always so empty, it’s like he didn’t even recognize me.

Things were really tough for a few years when I went to finish school. I took a lot of night classes so I could get a promotion. He was old enough not to need all the babysitters anymore so I tried to give him some freedom. He was the man of the house after all so I left him to his domain. We didn’t live in the best neighborhood and I loved him so much. I used to see all the boys hanging on the corner and I refused to let that happen to our son. As soon as he got home from school I’d make him call me at work so I knew he was safe. I made sure there was something to eat in the fridge too so he didn’t have to worry. He was always so much nicer than those other boys around the street. I made sure he kept away from them. I wish I could do more to protect him from the streets; I just could be around as much as I wanted to. All the work and studying was so tiresome that by the time I got home I needed to get some rest. At least I knew during the day he was at home and safe.

I don’t know what happened when he started middle school. The teachers would always talk about how bright he was, but then he started to struggle. I cried when he failed his first test. All of a suddenly the teachers were calling every week because he was acting up. I knew I had to make sure I worked even harder so I could send him to a better school. I don’t know what those people were doing at that place but whatever it was it was corrupting our son. I tried to talk to him but I could see that his spirit was being broken. I just didn’t know what to do by myself. The teachers eventually stopped calling though so I guess he got his act together. I still wanted to make sure I made enough money to try and send him to a private school where he could receive the proper care and attention. Little boys learn to be men in school, and they weren’t doing a very good job.

That next summer was the worst yet. You should have seen how big he was getting. I could tell he was starting to get in to the ladies too. I tried to take him out with me sometimes but he didn’t seem very interested. He would always just talk about sports or something. I bought him that new play station with the basketball and football games. I guess he would rather play his little game that go shopping with ma. I guess he thought I was just lame or something. Well, I did what I could to make him happy, but that didn’t seem to do much.

I started to think that maybe he just needed another man in his life. I made sure than any guy I dated played a role in his life. That boy was really starting to need some discipline. He was to big for me to say anything, when I would yell at him I could tell he wasn’t afraid of me anymore. Some of the guys were okay but our son never seemed to really connect with them. I will admit, not all of the guys were the greatest. I got into it with a few of them, but I know it was my fault. If I don’t even know how to talk to a twelve year old how would I ever be able to properly understand a real man. It seems like the harder I tried the more I always pushed every man in my life away. I know it’s my fault you left me and our son but it isn’t fair to him. He really is a good boy.

I started to go to church with a lady from my job. It was alright for a while. They would talk to us about the Lord and how He wants everyone to be blessed and prosper. We didn’t have much but I’d give it all to the church so that our son could be blessed. I don’t think he ever realized how much I really tried to do for him. Some of the men in the church took a liking to him too. Anytime he stepped out of line they would always make sure he didn’t step too far. I couldn’t discipline him myself because he hardly listened to me anymore. I really appreciated all the help I got. He even started playing sports but I guess he wasn’t too interested because he ended up quitting every team he played for. I would get so mad because I would work overtime to make sure he had clothes and equipment for the games, but then I’d find out he stopped playing. I don’t know what’s wrong with that boy.

I though going to church would have helped more but it seems like we just started to struggle even more. I would make sure I paid my tithes and give offerings every week but we never were able to prosper. It was even worse in fact now that he started high school. He was always so disrespectful to the women he’d talk to. The teachers started calling again with complaints they’d received from his female classmates. He even got into a few fights with a few of the girls male friends. Now you know I ain’t letting anybody but their hands on my son. I taught that boy exactly what to do next time some little bastard put their hands on him. Next day he got suspended, but all those so-called friends didn’t bother him anymore.

Well, he is sixteen now, almost a man. Him and I don’t talk at all anymore, when he is home it seems like he is just going through the motions with me. I let him know when he is eighteen he will be a man and has to get out of this house. I did everything I could as he was growing up. Two more years and he will be grown. That leaves only two more years for you to try and talk to him. You know this world is out to get him, why won’t you give him a chance? I have done everything I can, but it hasn’t been enough. I can’t deal with him anymore, you need to do something with that boy.

Sincerely,
Baby Mamma


Part III Coming........

L.B.L. (Part One)

To Whom It May Concern

Dad, I know we have never met, but ma says I am just like you. I know I look like you because I look nothing like her. Sometimes, when she thinks I am not paying attention, she looks at me and cries. Sometimes when she is mad at me she calls me a weird name. I think its yours, but I never ask. There are even time when she she says she cant even stand to look at me. It doesn't matter to me, she just cant keep it together sometimes.

Its been pretty hard for me and ma. Growing up she always had to work. She struggled trying to pay all of the bills and put food on the table while trying to raise me. I know ma would be better off if i didn't exist. I know its not my fault I'm here, but it doesn't make it any easier. I had a bunch of different babysitters growing up. It got kinda hard to keep track of them all. Its weird when it feel like every day someone different is trying to tell you what to do. Seems like out of everyone around me, I saw ma the least. By the time she got home she was to tired for me. She would get upset that when she did try to talk to me I never listened. She didn't understand, I was always taught never to talk to strangers. Most of the time that what she felt like to me, I never really got a chance to know her.

By the time I was old enough to take care of myself I started to get resentful. I never though it was fair that all my friends got to do so much stuff. I had better grades then all of them but they still got to go places, and play outside whenever they wanted. Since she were never home, and felt I was to old to still need babysitters, I was home alone a lot. She didn't think it was safe enough for me to be outside by myself so I always had to come straight home from school and just watch tv. Ma also never took the time to get to know our neighbors or my friends parents, so she didn't trust them enough to let me play with them if she wasn't around. It seemed like I was getting in trouble because she didn't have time for me. How was that fair? It wasn't my fault she was always tired, but i was paying for it.

I guess thats why I started to struggle in school. I just stopped caring. The better I acted the less attention I received. It seemed like the only time anybody cared was when I was messing up. I remember at first my teachers wondered what was wrong with me. They would call ma and she would sit me down and have these long talk to me. I miss those talks, it was the only way I really know she cared about me. It was the only time she really made time for me. I guess she stopped caring though. Everyone did. The teachers stopped calling because they figured I was a lost cause. Something about i was never going to be anything anyway, so what did it matter. I did even worse, but that didn't help either. Ma stopped talking to me, and just started yelling. She wouldn't let me play outside or hang out with my friends, but it wasn't like I had the chance to do that stuff anyway so I wasn't missing anything.

I remember one summer though, it was really rough. I started getting taller and things got a little weird. My ma said if I was a girl she would have taken me out to dinner or some nonsense, but she didn't know how to really handle what was going on with me. To try and get a little closer she would take me shopping with her and to the movies. Its like she though I was gay or something. I wanted to go to the ball game or the car show, but she said that stuff was boring. And she always wanted to watch these boring movies that either ended in kissing or crying. I swear, ma was lame.

Well, I guess she thought it was a good idea to get a man in my life. I could tell the guys didn't really care though. When she was looking they would all be cool, but when she wasn't home they wouldn't pay me any attention. It was ma that needed them more than I did. The more she tried to push them on me, the less I saw her. I got to play outside more at least. She'd always tell me to go play so she could have some private time with her new friends. It was cool with me until ma started acting up. I just know she would always get really clumsy and have lost of accidents around the house. I'd come home and hear her crying about tripping and falling. I remember one time she ran into the doorknob and got a black eye. How dumb do you have to be to run into a doorknob. I never really liked the guys she dated but every time she had an accident they would bring her flowers and candy and she'd forgive them. I guess they were cool then, because anytime I hurt myself I got yelled at for not paying attention. They must have really loved her to give her stuff for making mistakes. It would all be good until she'd eventually kick them out saying they ain't no good. I used to hate her for that. If she can't keep a man it must be her fault, it can't be everyone elses. I see even you couldn't stand her day. I'm the only guy that can deal with her, and thats because I have to.

When we started going to church I guess I got a little bit better at first. The old ladies would give me candy when I would sing along with the choir and carry their bags. I got tired of the deacons always just bothering me though. Anytime I would talk or fall asleep they would get mad and yell at me. Sometimes the ladies would tell them to ease of, but they would always just say I was bad. If they cared so much then where were they when ma asked for help. I had to quit football and basketball because no one would give me a ride to my games or practices, but they were always to punish me when I was doing something wrong. Why should I listen to anything they had to say if it was always just going to be something bad anyway.

I don't know Dad. Its just getting so hard now. I am in high school now. I had a few problems with some of my classmates. I got into a few fights. I told ma about it and she tried to teach me how to fight. Then I got suspended for kicking someone between the legs. The principal said I could do permanent damage and be charged with assault. Whatever, dude shouldn't have been messing with me. I didn't have many friends after that though. Its cool, I didn't have nobody there for me growing up, and I don't need anyone now. I want to get a job and get out of here. I figure if I just graduate high school and get a job and a little bread I wont have to ever bother with ma anymore. I know I would just be better off without her. Just like she can't keep a man, when I become one I will be out of here too.

Dad, I don't know who you are or where you went, but I wish you had taken me with you. I understand why you left me with her, I wouldn't want to wait around 9 months so that you can take your son with you. If I could leave I wouldn't have stuck around 9 weeks. Well, I am fifteen now, so if you ever get this letter you will know where to find me. One thing they did always say in church was that God answers prays, so i pray that somehow this letter finds you



Sincerely,
Little Boy Lost

(Part II coming soon)

Ignorant $#*!

This is the fourth verse of Jay-Z’s song “Ignorant $h*!” from the album American Gangster

“I missed the part when it stopped bein 'bout Imus
What do my lyrics got to do with this shit!
"Scarface" the movie did more than Scarface the rapper to me
Still that ain't to blame for all the shit that's happened to me
Are you sayin what I'm spittin
Is worse than these celebrataunts showin they kittin, you kiddin!
Let's stop the bullshittin
'Til we all without sin, let's quit the pulpittin
"Scarface" the movie did more than Scarface the rapper to me
So that ain't to blame for all the shit that's happened to me
Now stop the bullshittin
'Til we all without sin, let's quit the pulpittin”

Now I know this is an older song, but it is very relevant to an issue that is widely debated today: the effect of the media on our psyche. To bring this issue to light I want to break down this “enlightening” statement from the self proclaimed God-MC.

1.“I missed the part when it stopped bein 'bout Imus
What do my lyrics got to do with this shit!

For everyone that doesn’t remember, on April 4, 2007, during a discussion about the NCAA Women's Basketball Championship, Imus characterized the Rutgers University women's basketball team players as "rough girls" commenting on their tattoos. His executive producer Bernard McGuirk responded by referring to them as "hardcore hos". The discussion continued with Imus, using commonly known rap vernacular, offhandedly describing the girls as "nappy-headed hos.” This caused an uproar as African Americans raged against a Caucasian who depicted these beautiful black women in such a negative way. Calling these women whores and criticizing their physical appearance is detestable…..right Jay-Z? Because we all know you have the utmost respect for women. You never speak about pimping women….. or treating them like whores…… using them for sex then leaving them…..no, wait. I guess your lyrics may have a little something to do with that stuff huh? We can’t expect anyone else to respect OUR women if we won’t do it ourselves.

2. "Scarface" the movie did more than Scarface the rapper to me

I used to believe this. It only makes sense that seeing something will have more of an effect on us then just hearing it in music. Well, I have now realized that that is even more ignorant nonsense. I watch horror movies, thrillers, plenty of killing and rape on the t.v. screen. I know I shouldn’t, it’s bad for the spirit, but I just find it entertaining. I like watching the actors perform. I am comfortable with these gruesome acts because I know its fake. I know Denzel isn’t a crooked cop. I know Al Pacino isn’t a drug lord. I know Tobey McGuire can’t swing around the city. I know it’s fake.

On the other hand, what we hear in music is depicted as real, portrayed to us as an attainable lifestyle. It reaches us at a different, deeper level because many of us are still not aware that their stories for the most part are fabricated. And there are some artists, not just rappers but throughout all music, who really have lived what is now denoted as a “gangster” lifestyle. This lifestyle has been glorified to the point where it is something that we seek after instead of trying to rise from.

Also, music penetrates us in a way movies never can. We listen to music all the time. It’s wherever we go, the car, stores, the gym, etc. Movies are something we actually have to devote time to, make a conscious decision to view. Music forces its way into our lives because its everywhere! And think about it. How often do you recite movie lines? How many scenes can you actually remember from a movie? On the other hand, all we have to hear is the first few seconds of a beat and we remember every word from popular music. The nonsense is literally beat into our heads by repetitious play. Music has always had greater influence on our society then the big screen ever has.

3. Still that ain't to blame for all the shit that's happened to me

Finally, something that makes sense. No, it isn’t to blame. Much like if someone hits you and you hit them back…..they aren’t to blame for you hitting them right? Right? You still made a conscious choice to hit them…..their decision to hit you just greatly and directly influenced your decision to hit them. That’s what we are talking about in music. It’s not to BLAME, but it is a large INFLUENCE. If I am upset, I listen to some Jeezy or Wayne. If I am trying to chill, I listen to Lupe Fiasco. If I am depressed, the Kanye. When it’s time to get my grown man on…..well, let’s skip that one. This is because I understand the influence that music has on my mood. It affects my attitude and to an extent my train of thought. You wouldn’t play T.I. on the late night when you and your lady are trying to….relax would you? No, because as much as we deny it, we know how powerful the influence of music is.

4. Are you sayin what I'm spittin
Is worse than these celebrataunts showin they kittin, you kiddin!

Whoa, relax sir. No one is saying that. It’s not worse. People try to emulate celebrities. Sex has become so prolific because of its depiction in the media. It’s everywhere we look, and everyone is supposedly doing it. Because it all around us we fall victim to it too. Funny though, isn’t that the same with music? We hear about the drugs, sex, money, women, clout, respect….and we want it too. So no, it’s not worse, but it is just as bad.

5. Let's stop the bullshittin
'Til we all without sin, let's quit the pulpittin

And that is the perfect way to end it. We do need to stop this crap. We as people are so judgmental. Until we are all perfect, we shouldn’t complain about what anyone else is doing. Okay, well, Jigga Man, it seems as if you threw the first stone complaining about Imus.....but I will excuse that for now. Til we are all without sin, lets stop preaching to one another. So what exactly are you saying? Should none of us be held accountable for our actions? Not a person walking this Earth is perfect, therefore not a person walking this Earth has the right to comment on another's mishaps? No parent should punish their child then. Well actually, there would be no authority because we all commit evil deeds, and constantly. That just doesn't seem very realistic now does it Mr. Carter? And if it wasn't for those sins (drug dealing, womanizing, violence, PRIDE) you'd have very little to talk about. So what exactly are you asking for then, a pardon on your own evil deeds so that you can turn a profit without being criticized for the wrongs you have committed along the way? Nah, not happening bruh, only in a perfect word. You know, a perfect world where you never would have committed those wrongs in the first place.

Now, I didn’t write this to criticize music. I will admit it; I listen to a lot of this crap too. (I call it crap because let’s be honest, music is simply terribly nowadays like most things in this world) My point is we cannot turn a blind eye to how things influence us and those around us. Let’s stop trying to explain and excuse this nonsense. All you are doing is lying to yourself…..

And that’s the real Ignorant $#*!

Lights, Camera, Action!

A relationship is just like a movie. It has expectations, then an introduction, then some filler leading up to the climax, followed by the conclusion, or resolution.

The expectations come from critic reviews, trailers, previews, and the opinions of those who have seen or heard about the movie before. Movies, like relationships often make it past this stage. Bad reviews, no chance you are going to see it. Friends tell you it not worth seeing? You avoid it like the plague. Great responses from the media? You are ready to nominate it for an award before you have even seen the first five minutes. The only thing to offset the opinion of others is the trailer. If the trail is exciting enough, sentimental enough, emotional enough, it may still draw you in.

This is just like relationships. How much of our opinion comes from the opinions of others? We don’t concern ourselves that the taste of others and whether they like or dislike someone may be completely different from our friends. My best friend and I don’t even like the same foods, so why would I be dumb enough to believe we would like all the same girls? You wonder why we try to dress so nicely, keep a smile on our faces, nice house, nice job, and nice car? It’s our trailer! We use these things to sell ourselves, and draw others in.

Now, we will dig deeper by discussing the introduction. Movies take this time to lay the groundwork. They throw a lot of things at you, introduce you to characters and the storyline, and hope that something grabs your attention enough to compel you to stay. Often times there is a lot of overacting and over exaggerating of plot themes because producers know that in the first few minutes of the film you will already decide whether or not you like it or not. From that point on its twice as hard to sway someone opinion from bad to good or vice-versa because subconsciously we don’t want to admit our first impression are wrong. That’d be admitting fault in our own judgment.

Now, let’s look at that in terms of relationships. Once a person has already agreed to get to know us better (going on a date, conversation, etc) we try to put our best foot forward. We know how important first impressions are. We spend so much time selling ourselves, trying to give the other person what we “think” they want to see that we lose ourselves in the process. We overact and over exaggerate everything trying to get the other person to stay interested.

This is because we realize that just because a person has shown a little interest in us means nothing. Maybe they had nothing better to do. During this time we are still trying to either live up to the expectations of our trailers, disprove bad reviews, live up to good ones, or win a new fan. This is the most sensitive time period because everything is critiqued. When a person smiles we feel a small hint of success. Physical contact (holding hands etc.) really makes you feel like all the money you put into production (time you spent in preparation for the date and money spent in the process) is paying off. You make actually be able to build something with this person, or in a movies case: turn a profit.

On the other side of that you notice when that person doesn’t show you affection. Do they look at you or is there attention always elsewhere. When you talk do they seem interested, or can the slightest thing distract them. When you are around other people do they still act like they want to be there with you, or do they spend more time talking to everyone else and doing everything else to give the impression that you two are NOT together.

We only have a few minutes to let the person know that we are worth their time, or like a bad movie they will walk away.

After we survive that initial reaction we reach a bit of a slowdown period. No movie or relationship can avoid this. It’s not a bad thing at all, we just need some time to relax and settle down to prepare us for what is next, the Climax!

In a movie, the Climax is what everything builds up to. Every aspect of the movie ties together at this point. We find out the TRUTH about what’s going on and why.

Notice TRUTH is capitalized? It’s because this is what the climax in the relationship is based around. Whether you are with someone 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 years, or 5 decades, the relationship does not reach the climax until we reach the truth. It’s when we stop trying to be pretty, stop trying to be nice, stop trying to be who you want us to be……but instead start being who we are. This is when we really see every negative and positive about a person. Every aspect about their spirituality and personality that was either hidden from us or we turned a blind eye to are now brought to the surface. NO ONE is 100% honest from the beginning. We all have secrets. If you know someone doesn’t like a particular thing you don’t do it. You may alter your speech and not curse, your appearance and wear make-up, your hair and wear weave or dye the grey out, and in general try to be polite. When we get comfortable after that “slowdown period” we let down those guards and people see us for who we really are.

Then our movie reaches a conclusion. The resolution is the aftermath of the conclusion. In the simplest terms, it’s what we do next. For everyone that has lasted up to the climax it is at this point that we decide whether or not it’s a good movie. Every movie, and relationship, has its good parts and bad parts, but are we satisfied? Was it worth it? Was is money, or time, well spent? Are you going to buy the DVD and keep it with you forever? Or did we hate it and want nothing more to do with it. Are we going to avoid anything that director, or person, does for the rest of their lives? Or maybe even it was just alright….. but we all know that if something is just alright we don’t want to spend even more money on it. We won’t waste money or time on something unless we know it’s worth it, or its all we can afford. But no one wants to just “settle” with a decent of bad movie right? We should rather have an empty shelf than one containing a bunch of crap. (I hope you understand the dual meaning in that last statement. It refers also to abusive and bad relationships that we may stay with because we think it’s the best we can do instead of just saving our money/time until something better comes along later)

Oh yea, and please avoid sequels. The sequel, like dating an ex, is never as good as the first time.

I Like You Very Much

I have been wondering, have I ever been in love? Have you ever been in love? Lets find out……

I have loved people. I love my parents. My mom did everything she could to take care of me. She didn’t always make the right decision, but I know that every bad decision she made was because she believed it was what was best for me. I love my mom because she loved me first.

I love my sister. She is nine years older than me but took time from her life to help raise me. My mom worked all the time trying to provide for two kids by herself, so my sister took time away from hanging out with friends, doing all the things popular high school students do, to see her little brother play flag football. She used to sneak me out the house to play when I was on punishment. She would tell my mom she did things that I had done because she knew she’d get in less trouble. When she was in college she started a savings account for me so i'd be able to get a car when I graduated high school. I love my sister because she loved me first.

I love my sister’s two kids, my niece and nephew. My niece is the prettiest girl I have ever seen. My nephew is the coolest little guy on the planet. I’d give anything to those two if they needed it. I’d give my life to them in a second. I love them because I love my sister.

I love my father. I didn’t meet him until I was twenty-one. I never knew who he was growing up. He and my mother married a few years ago. Its funny when you think about it, my mother and biological father marry after being apart over 21 years. I love him because he created me, and he takes care of my mom.

That’s a different type of love though. I didn’t choose to love any of these people, its more of a natural thing. When it comes to family, the love will always be there. To an extent it means more to like them, because that is a choice you are making on their behalf based on their merits as a person.

No one cares about that love though. Everyone just wants the romantic love…. To be “in love.” This is what I was wondering about. Have I ever been “in love?”

I don’t know if I believe in love at first sight. I do believe every man has a woman walking this Earth that was created specifically for him. Eve was created from Adam’s rib. There was a natural, physical connection between the two. Every man today has a woman created from his rib too. You two are connected to one another before you even met. That is the person that no matter what happens, you and her will be there, together, forever. You don’t fall out of love. You don’t have to question it. You just know it. You feel it.

The problem with people today has A LOT to do with our culture. As Americans, our free enterprise, capitalist structure has made us into one of the most selfish, pompous, egotistical, conceited, and self-serving groups of people known to man. Ever. Everything about our society promotes our own self-interest. The easiest way to get ahead is by stepping over those around you. We commit to nothing, but instead are always looking for the next best thing, devaluing what we have. We focus more on what we don’t have than appreciating the things we do.

This affects more than just our professional lives, but also our personal lives. We care about people…..tell people whatever we think they want to hear……just to serve our own personal needs. We seek relationships solely to satisfy ourselves. We look for a person that can satisfy our wants first. We only do for others so that they will do for us, and we rarely do more than we think we will receive. Unless of course, we are only doing so to make ourselves look better than them. Then, when everything is cool, and we think they are everything we want, we throw out that term “I love you.” And 99% of the time they say it right back. its rude not too! So that means you are “in love” right?

If it were that easy, then why do half of all marriages end in divorce? How can we love someone today, and have a new “friend” tomorrow? Is love that weak? Is it truly such a temporary feeling?

No. What happens is when two selfish people are together, you can never supply the other person’s needs because you are too preoccupied trying to make sure they continue to fulfill all your wants. Once they stop providing these things, there is no further foundation for the relationship.

The bible says, very specifically, Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Once again, I love my family. No matter whether I am mad at them or not, like them or not, no matter what happens if they need me I am there. I would be willing to give up something I want at a moments notice to supply something they needed. I would sacrifice myself so that they can be happy. I can do this comfortably because I also know they love me just as much. They wouldn’t let me do anything that hurt myself just to make them feel good. I can trust them with myself, with my feelings.

I have NEVER loved a woman like that. I have never fully trusted a woman with my feelings. I have never selflessly devoted myself to a woman. I have never fully cared for a woman’s needs over my own. I have never fully thought of her best interest first. There have been periods of time when I have done any one of these things, but love is not part time. When she is screaming in your face do you still love her? When that cute girl from work was flirting with you do you still love her? When she cheated on you……did you still love her? Whether we like it or not love bears and endures all things. That is straight from the bible, so I refuse to dispute it. I instead have come to a single realization.....

I will only be in love with one woman in my life. It will be the woman that is my rib. The Gift my Father has given to me. I will know that she is mine because I will share a feeling for her I have never felt before. I will be in love with her. It will not be agape love, the PERFECT LOVE God has for all of us, the love that led Him to sacrifice his only begotten Son for the payment of our sins, but it will be the closest thing that I can experience here on Earth.


To everyone else, I am sorry that I lied to you. I did though

Like You Very Much.


Edit: In writing this I want people to understand that I am not equating the love for a family and romantic love. The only connection I am making between the two is the natural, physical connection. Much as we cannot control the family we are born in to because of the blood ties that will always exist, we share that same tie with the one person God has created to be our mate. While we can choose to turn our backs on or refuse to acknowledge that person, much like some of us do to our families, that bond is unbreakable because it was something created by God. We will always have an affinity toward these people. I also chose not to discuss the love we share for our friends. This is because I quantify that love differently. It is based solely on us choosing to care for a person, and there being no ties other than the ones we, as imperfect people, have formed. Therefore, much as everything human, those ties can be broken. Family ties and the natural bond with God’s chosen mate for us are not under our control, and therefore can never be fully broken, only forcibly ignored (by us).